One of the most interesting ideas I have come across during my work as both a therapist and academic is the difference between people who tend to internalise difficulties and those who externalise them. Understanding these different ways of interpreting life's challenges can have a significant impact on our mental health and relationships.
While we are all capable of both internalising and externalising at different times, many people tend to favour one pattern over the other, particularly during times of stress. Recognising these tendencies can be a valuable first step towards improving emotional wellbeing.
What is an internalizer?
An internalizer is someone who tends to look inside themselves to explain problems and issues that come up in their life. Their automatic thoughts might be:
“It’s me. There is something wrong with me. What did I do? What have I got wrong this time? Why don’t they like me? I’m not good enough.”
Many of the clients I work with tend to have strong internalising tendencies, often believing they are somehow at fault whenever something goes wrong. The resulting emotions often include guilt, shame, anxiety and, at times, panic. These feelings can lead people to withdraw socially and isolate themselves to avoid further emotional triggers.:
Example: Failing an Assignment
A postgraduate student named Andrea fails her assignment.
Thought (Cognition): “I’m not intelligent enough. It’s my fault. I should have studied harder.”
Feeling (Emotion): Shame, guilt and sadness.
Behaviour (Action): Andrea withdraws from people and avoids discussing her results. She becomes highly self-critical and gradually withdraws from social activities. Over time, this pattern can reduce confidence and reinforce beliefs that she is not capable, even when there is evidence to the contrary.
Example: failing an assignment
A post-graduate named Andrea fails her assignment:
- Thought (Cognition): “I’m not intelligent enough, it’s my fault. I should have studied harder.”
- Feeling (Emotion): Shame, guilt, and sadness.
- Behaviour (Action): Andrea withdraws from people and avoids discussing her results with anyone. She beats herself up and withdraws from social activities generally.
How I can help
My goal as a therapist would be to help Andrea understand what is happening by exploring the negative thought patterns that have contributed to her emotional distress. One aim would be to encourage her to consider some of the perspectives an externalizer might naturally adopt, helping her develop a more compassionate and balanced understanding of what happened. Through therapy, Andrea may recognise that several factors contributed to the outcome rather than assuming complete responsibility herself. This balanced perspective can reduce self-blame and help her move forward with greater confidence.
What is an externalizer?
An externalizer tends to look outside themselves to explain problems and issues that arise in their life. Their automatic thoughts might be:
“This happened because I wasn’t given the correct information. The system is unfair. This wasn’t my fault.”
Externalizers often look for reasons outside themselves to explain setbacks. While these external explanations may sometimes be entirely valid, they may be less likely to reflect on their own role in the situation. Developing awareness of both internal and external influences can create a more balanced perspective.
Example: failing an assignment
A post-graduate named Andrew fails his assignment:
- Thought (Cognition): “The lecturer is at fault here, he didn’t give me enough information for the exam, he didn’t explain it well. I wasn’t given enough time to complete the assignment.”
- Feeling (Emotion): Anger and frustration.
- Behaviour (Action): Emails the university to complain, complains to friends and relatives about the unfairness of the system and pushes to get the paper marked again.
Family Patterns
Externalising tendencies often develop within family systems. If parents consistently attribute problems to other people or circumstances, children may learn to adopt a similar way of interpreting events. Like many patterns of thinking, these tendencies can continue across generations unless they become recognised and consciously changed
How I can help
Therapy can help clients become more aware of their own patterns of thinking and those learned within their family. By bringing these patterns into conscious awareness, people have greater choice in how they respond. Even when an activating event was far from ideal, it is often our interpretation of that event that has the greatest influence on our emotional wellbeing. Developing greater personal responsibility, alongside self-compassion, can be empowering
Finding the right balance
In Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), therapists distinguish between unhealthy negative emotions, such as shame, guilt and resentment, and healthier emotions, such as disappointment, regret and sadness. The goal is not to eliminate difficult emotions but to experience them in ways that help us respond constructively.
Therapy can help us develop a more balanced perspective by recognising both our own responsibility and the influence of external circumstances. For example, Andrea may have been capable of passing the exam, but the guidance provided may genuinely have been insufficient. Equally, Andrew may have received less support than expected while also recognising there were aspects of his own preparation he could improve. Considering both perspectives—rather than viewing events as entirely internal or entirely external—can foster resilience, self-compassion and emotional wellbeing.
Suggested reading
Gibson, L.C. (2015) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger: California, USA.